I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
