Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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