I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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