wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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