i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
