And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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