Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
