If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
