My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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