you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
