I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
