my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
