hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
