atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
