We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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