Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
