I want to have your abortion
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
