My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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