I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize