When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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