WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
