party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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