Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
