It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
