All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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