Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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