thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm too high and old for this...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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