dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
