Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I AM VODKA MAN
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize