when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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