i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
