she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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