I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
