I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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