I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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