i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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