Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
