So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
