Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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