Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
