sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
