So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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