Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
zippers are such a cool invention
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
