i jhust puked up my retainher.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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