i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
