Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
