I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize