Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize