I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
