i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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