so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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