I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
