u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
