I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
