I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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