Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize