I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
