yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just invented taco cereal.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
