if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
