he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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