he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
