i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
And then he peed in my hair
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