someone threw a dead crab at me
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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