I wannas sexs uuuuu
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
