I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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