i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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