There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
