Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize