Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
