I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
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