So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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