my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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