I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize