Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
