i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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