Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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