You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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