I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
