i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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